Day 200 - Halftime Show

Day 200. One half, first of two equal parts, fifty percent. We are halfway to PJ being home!!! 


I never thought I was going to make it here. I never thought I could deal with this all again. All I have to say it that I wish I felt like I was making progress. I feel like I have let myself down on so many occasions. Negative feelings, hatred and pity toward myself. I am sad to say that I'm not the person that I promised myself I would be. 


I promised myself that I would be happy. I promised myself that I wouldn't project my sad, negative feelings about this deployment at PJ. It's unfair of me to complain about the situation that we are in, when there is nothing he can do about it. I forget sometimes that he's more than just a husband. He's a soldier. 


I don't have so much to say lately because it seems that nothing positive ever comes out of my mouth. I'm rather sad about that. :(


Until next time.

Day 167 - Washing Off the Negativity

Sometimes all you need is a little soap and water.

I can't believe that it has been over two months since my last post. I got so caught up in stuff happening in my life, that I forgot that it was MY LIFE. I spent so much time letting things happen for other people that I didn't let anything happen for myself. I'm not going to really go into detail about the last couple of months, but there was a couple holidays, and they really weren't that spectacular because PJ wasn't here. But here is the more recent goings on in Andy Land. 

PJ came home for mid-tour leave at the beginning of this month. He wasn't due home until the 7th or 8th, but actually (almost) surprised me and made it home on the 5th. THANK GOD that I figured it out in the nick of time. Had to send Lael over to put some clean sheets on our bed, and clean up some stuff, all that I had planned to take care of on Saturday morning. Anyway, he did almost succeed in surprising me, and it was really very sweet. It was hell from the moment I figured out he was stateside until a couple hours later when he showed up at the pharmacy. A whole new side of the anxious me made its debut that afternoon. The only thing I could say when I hugged him, was "I'm SO mad at you!" He didn't care, and truthfully, neither did I. I was touching the thing I longed for the most for almost 5 months. 

We didn't accomplish much on leave. Who ever does? PJ just wanted to be at home, so that is where we spent most of our time. As much as I hate those nights trying to sleep when the TV in the basement is up a little too loud, I realized how much I missed them. As much as I hate cleaning up pizza boxes, pop bottles, and whatever else PJ and Jordan leave around the basement, I was happy for the chore to return. It was like he had never left. 

But the most important of all. Something that I missed more than anything. The smell of PJ's uniform. Coming home and smelling the very familiar smell of the Army. It was amazing. Like I've said before, you have to be a military spouse or girlfriend to understand what I'm talking about. Even when you have been around the smell of the Army for so long that you don't notice it, you absolutely notice it when it's not around. 

So where is the negativity?

The Army let me have PJ on one condition: They get to have him back. What kind of dumb idea is that? I want to write a letter to the big cheese in the Army and it goes like this:

To whom it may concern, (as far as the Army is concerned)

Nobody likes a tease.

Sincerely,  This Lonely Army Wife

At the exact moment you are used to them being home, the Army chokes up on that leash and they go back to the desert. So, you get to relive the moment when they first left for deployment, say goodbye again, and pretend that you're gonna be okay. I'm NOT okay. I'm back to riding by myself in the car, sleeping alone, watching TV by myself. And nothing hurts more than when the dogs look at you with the saddest faces because you aren't daddy. 

So tonight I took a scalding hot bath. I sat in the water and washed with my new soap and just tried to wash all the negative, lonely feelings off of me. And it might have actually worked. Special thanks to my citrus-mint Zum Bar soap. If the negativity still remains, let it take a long overdue break.

Goodnight.

Day 101 - First Quarter Review

The Second Quarter Has Commenced...

One quarter, 25 cents, one-fourth, 2 blocks, whatever you want to call it. The first quarter is over. 

THANK GOD. 

Today began the second quarter of PJ's deployment, the next 100 days. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the first 10 days, let alone the first 100. I am proud to report that while I may have lost my mind on several occasions, and fell apart many times in between, I made it. 

I have been in a pretty selfish frame of mind lately, and I'm sorry to have to admit it. I wish that I had not burdened everyone else with my emotions, but to those who endured it, thank you. You are not forgotten. To the people who I talk to every day about everything, thank you. To the people who have recognized the hard work of our soldiers and families, and said prayers for them, THANK YOU. 

I'll keep this short, but all I want to say is this. I miss PJ so much, that it's driving other people crazy. I'm not afraid to say, that it makes me feel good. I talk about him without realizing it, and for that I am glad. I don't ever want to miss out on the opportunity to tell people about my husband and his fellow soldiers. They are some really great people, in the military and in civilian life. I'm so proud to know them. I miss them all. 

And for those of you tired of listening to me gab about PJ, get some ear plugs. That is all.

God bless our soldiers, and their families. We will NOT be disappointed if the deployment does not make it to 400 days.... Amen!

Day 79 - Be Your Hero, Walk in His Shoes

My apologies for not posting this month, this has been a very long, trying month for me.


Today is Halloween. The wonderful opportunity for everyone to dress up as something scary, or their favorite comic book hero, or as someone they admire. Today I have seen witches, ninjas, Captain America, fairies, and Jessie from Toy Story. You have to admit, and I don't care how old you are, but we all miss dressing up and trick-or-treating. I miss going to my grandparents' house and getting homemade popcorn balls, and the flavored tootsie rolls. I miss church Halloween activities, and going to school to be in the parade held every year on the playground. I miss it all. 


Today I decided to dress up as my hero. I dug out some ACU pants, boots, the tan t-shirt, the old yucky socks, and the webbed belt. I always knew that PJ was tall and skinny, but I never knew exactly how tall and how skinny. Fitting into these pants was hell, but fun. Fitting in the boots however, I could have worn at least 3 more pairs of socks, and still had room! And in case you didn't know, the military (at least the Army) has a very distinct smell. Not a bad smell, but a unique smell. For those of you wives in the military that do the laundry, you know exactly what smell I am referring to. So today, I have been bathed in a smell that I have missed for what seems like an eternity. I can't describe what that brings me back to.


After spending a very average day, walking around in some pretty big shoes, I have learned several things. The first, you can't wait until the last possible minute to go potty. There are no zippers in these pants. Buttons and velcro only. Do not be fooled by its practicality. Only the bravest of the bravest wear these trousers. 


Truthfully, after wearing just half of a uniform today, I can do nothing but have respect for what burden the American soldier must carry in order to protect this country. Each and every piece of this uniform plays an important part in how a soldier does his or her job. Each pocket to hold any number of things, whether it is just a patrol cap, or a handkerchief to wipe their brow with in the desert heat. Each pair of boots, to project the feet of someone who has trained themselves to walk for an eternity, no matter what the terrain. Heavy boots that any normal person wouldn't have the leg strength to carry around. No stopping to deal with blisters, or a slipped sock. Just marching along, doing a job that they promised to do. I have treated my feet badly over the last few years, not on purpose. However, I'm fairly certain that given the opportunity, my feet would disown me. Especially after today. I managed to make myself wear those boots all day, and I can't imagine what 8 hours of pain to me, translates into 24 hours of wear and tear on the feet of a soldier.


This might be one of my more rambling posts, but I just miss my PJ. I dressed up to be close to him. I had so much fun doing it. But spending the day in his uniform, and trying to walk around in his boots, has made me feel so close to him that it's like I can touch him. It's a feeling that I know everyone has about the person they love, but we all recognize it in different ways. 


Time to go scrub this paint off of my face. And miss my PJ. And cuddle my doggies. And miss my PJ. Oh, and miss my PJ.


Hope everyone had a wonderful time taking their kiddies trick-or-treating! Good night!!

Day 49 - Missing My Medic

So.... I have got to give these feet a break.


Let's go back a ways. Six years ago, to be more specific. PJ and I were married six months and we decided to have the first crisis of our marriage. Well it wasn't a decision, not a shared one at least. Not even a personal decision. Just something dumb on my part. I seem to have a knack for dumb. This particular dumb was a great big step on a great big piece of glass. I cut through most of my big toe, and nearly cut my other toe off! I remember very well going to the hospital, and the blood, and the stitches, and PJ. Oh I remember PJ the best. He was the fastest, clean the blood up off the floor, and get us down the stairs the quickest, little PJ that there ever was.


PJ didn't used to be the type of person who was okay with going to the doctor. Matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he'd rather croak than go to the doctor. What surprised me the most, was how involved PJ was while we were there. I remember PJ holding my hand, and holding my foot down for the P.A., and laughing at me while I was in la-la land. He stayed that night with me at my  parent's house, and waited on me hand and foot. After being held hostage at home for five days,  I thought it would be nice to get out. When we got up the next morning, PJ announced to me that he was going to join the Army. So my first day out of captivity, we made that big decision. When PJ came home from MEPS and told me that he was going to be a Combat Medic, I can't explain how excited I was. To have my own personal medic.... Every girl's dream. 


Fast forward to now. Well two days ago, now. On a routine Thursday morning, fifteen minutes before I was going to leave, on an absolutely normal morning, I cut my foot open. On a doggy deshedder. You know, one of those rakes that you use to pull the loose hair off your dog. Katie knocked it off the shelf, and it fell onto the stairs. Then I stepped on it. LIKE AN IDIOT. Now I have an inch long, into the fat, just above the ball of the foot where the arch starts, slightly curved cut. After shaking my head in shame, I got a towel and covered it up. Right at that moment, I realized how much I missed my PJ. I wished that he wasn't on the other side of the world, but at home springing into action to take care of me. I know he would have been all too happy to take care of my cut. I know that PJ is a skilled medic, and it would be wonderful to see him at work. Unfortunately this time, I had to let the doctor stitch me up. And boy did she have a good laugh at my expense. A good, shake your head, hand on the hip, kind of laugh. Fortunately, after four excruciating shots of Lidocaine, four stitches, and five steri-strips, I went to work.


All that aside, nothing makes me miss PJ more than when I don't feel good. I miss PJ all the time, and he's always on my mind. When I'm in the car, when I watch TV, when I cuddle the doggies, when I sleep. He's always there. I can smell him, and I can hear him talking and laughing while he plays Call of Duty. I can hear him meowing and giggling. 


I think I'll stop now. The dogs need their mommy, and this girl needs to soak in a nice hot bath, foot included. So without further delay, this accident prone dumb Andy is signing off!


Andy


PS - A bit of my conversation with PJ about this whole dumb thing... Me: You're missing out on an opportunity to possibly do stitches on my foot. Love you!... PJ: Damn, well we can amputate it when I get home.... Love my medic!! 

Day 29 - A Day of Remembrance

I've sat and thought all day about things. Yes, today is the 10th anniversary of the attacks on 9/11. Yes, I'm sad and sentimental about it. But I can't let it get me. 

This is the second time I have given my husband away to fight in this war. I have watched him get on an airplane twice, and know that he won't be back for an eternity. I have spent many sleepless nights just wondering.... 10 years ago, how many people that learned of the tragedy of 9/11, knew that they were going to the war? Or that someone they loved would be going to the war? I know why God doesn't want us to know our own fate. You think we're in a mess now? What kind of a mess could we really get ourselves into, if it was a predictable one?

I think back to the day, when I was sitting in math class. Next to PJ, who really wasn't even PJ then, but he was Phillip. It's so funny how fate, or whatever you want to call it, works out. I think about it even now. If I knew what was to come in the years following the attack on the World Trade Center, would I have spared myself the heartache? I damn sure would have tried. But what would I have gotten myself? Nothing. 

I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I believe that God made me who I am. The type of person who cares, and stands by someone that they love. I have supported PJ since the day we walked into the recruiter's office. How could I have said no to someone who wanted to put themselves out there for their country? How do you say that you're not behind someone, who you love and adore? I didn't think twice. I will admit, I was a little selfish with the decision between active and reserve, but I think PJ made the right decision for us. 

I'll quit rambling now. What I really want to say is this. We are all affected by the tragedy of 9/11. It doesn't matter if we aren't family to someone lost that day, or family to a soldier who was lost during the war. What matters is that we remain one family, united by our patriotism, and our love for our families, friends, soldiers, and strangers. We are blessed to be able to tell the story of the heroes, past and present, who gave their lives in a fight to the finish. 


Dear Lord,


Please bless everyone affected by the tragedy of 9/11. Please continue to whisper words of inspiration into the hearts of the people of our great nation. Bless the children who are learning of what has happened, now that they are of age to begin to understand. Bless the souls of those that have perished as a result, and may they watch over us as we continue on in our lives. And please oh please, bless the families and soldiers of the 469th, and every other troop stationed far away from home because of the war. We would not live in a free nation, if it weren't for them.

Amen

Day 17 - Mixed Emotions

I started writing this post yesterday, but I was not really in a place where I could truthfully say that I knew for sure what my feelings were. I don't mean for this to sound like I'm about to break bad news to everyone, I just was having one of those days, and I didn't want to subject everyone to it.

It's been a couple of weeks now since PJ has left, and things are starting to settle. I've succeeded in keeping myself so busy and entertained that I have managed to not let it get to me. I've cut patterns, bought a little fabric (to add to the mountain of fabric I already have), I've watched some TV, celebrated Lael's birthday, and I've been to Zumba. I even fooled my mom and surprised her by taking her out to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes. (Good movie by the way.) 

As for my emotions getting me, I seem to have lost control. I go to work everyday, and I do my job. While I do my job, I get to spend the day visiting with all the people I have gotten to know very well over the last 4 years. We talk about movies, cars, kids, you name it. Here lately I find it harder and harder to talk about family. Sometimes hearing what everyone else is doing with their spouse after work or on the weekend, is a little tough to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what everyone else is doing. I have just come to the realization that PJ isn't going to just be gone for a couple of weeks. There just isn't going to be any going out between me and him until sometime next year. It's hard to stomach the thought that I can come home every night and he's not here. No pizza box in the trash, no TV left on, no uniform jacket on the back of a chair. I've been trying to clean house, but I find it difficult to put his things away, because it feels like I'm dismissing him from my life. I hate how it makes me feel.

I miss PJ like crazy. (As if you didn't already know....) I know he's doing his thing up at Fort Lewis, but I wish that I could be there with him during his last few days here in the states. I know that would be torturing myself, but everyone is entitled to one dumb idea every day. I don't get to talk to PJ as much as I would like, but I try not to overwhelm him with my feelings and emotions on the occasions that I do get to talk to him. I've been thinking positive thoughts about this deployment, and I can't wait for it to be over. But in the mean time, PJ knows that I am here for him, and that whatever he or anyone else needs, I will be there. I love my soldier, and every other one of those little stinkers in that unit. 

Just some feelings.....