Day 200 - Halftime Show

Day 200. One half, first of two equal parts, fifty percent. We are halfway to PJ being home!!! 


I never thought I was going to make it here. I never thought I could deal with this all again. All I have to say it that I wish I felt like I was making progress. I feel like I have let myself down on so many occasions. Negative feelings, hatred and pity toward myself. I am sad to say that I'm not the person that I promised myself I would be. 


I promised myself that I would be happy. I promised myself that I wouldn't project my sad, negative feelings about this deployment at PJ. It's unfair of me to complain about the situation that we are in, when there is nothing he can do about it. I forget sometimes that he's more than just a husband. He's a soldier. 


I don't have so much to say lately because it seems that nothing positive ever comes out of my mouth. I'm rather sad about that. :(


Until next time.

Day 167 - Washing Off the Negativity

Sometimes all you need is a little soap and water.

I can't believe that it has been over two months since my last post. I got so caught up in stuff happening in my life, that I forgot that it was MY LIFE. I spent so much time letting things happen for other people that I didn't let anything happen for myself. I'm not going to really go into detail about the last couple of months, but there was a couple holidays, and they really weren't that spectacular because PJ wasn't here. But here is the more recent goings on in Andy Land. 

PJ came home for mid-tour leave at the beginning of this month. He wasn't due home until the 7th or 8th, but actually (almost) surprised me and made it home on the 5th. THANK GOD that I figured it out in the nick of time. Had to send Lael over to put some clean sheets on our bed, and clean up some stuff, all that I had planned to take care of on Saturday morning. Anyway, he did almost succeed in surprising me, and it was really very sweet. It was hell from the moment I figured out he was stateside until a couple hours later when he showed up at the pharmacy. A whole new side of the anxious me made its debut that afternoon. The only thing I could say when I hugged him, was "I'm SO mad at you!" He didn't care, and truthfully, neither did I. I was touching the thing I longed for the most for almost 5 months. 

We didn't accomplish much on leave. Who ever does? PJ just wanted to be at home, so that is where we spent most of our time. As much as I hate those nights trying to sleep when the TV in the basement is up a little too loud, I realized how much I missed them. As much as I hate cleaning up pizza boxes, pop bottles, and whatever else PJ and Jordan leave around the basement, I was happy for the chore to return. It was like he had never left. 

But the most important of all. Something that I missed more than anything. The smell of PJ's uniform. Coming home and smelling the very familiar smell of the Army. It was amazing. Like I've said before, you have to be a military spouse or girlfriend to understand what I'm talking about. Even when you have been around the smell of the Army for so long that you don't notice it, you absolutely notice it when it's not around. 

So where is the negativity?

The Army let me have PJ on one condition: They get to have him back. What kind of dumb idea is that? I want to write a letter to the big cheese in the Army and it goes like this:

To whom it may concern, (as far as the Army is concerned)

Nobody likes a tease.

Sincerely,  This Lonely Army Wife

At the exact moment you are used to them being home, the Army chokes up on that leash and they go back to the desert. So, you get to relive the moment when they first left for deployment, say goodbye again, and pretend that you're gonna be okay. I'm NOT okay. I'm back to riding by myself in the car, sleeping alone, watching TV by myself. And nothing hurts more than when the dogs look at you with the saddest faces because you aren't daddy. 

So tonight I took a scalding hot bath. I sat in the water and washed with my new soap and just tried to wash all the negative, lonely feelings off of me. And it might have actually worked. Special thanks to my citrus-mint Zum Bar soap. If the negativity still remains, let it take a long overdue break.

Goodnight.