Day 101 - First Quarter Review

The Second Quarter Has Commenced...

One quarter, 25 cents, one-fourth, 2 blocks, whatever you want to call it. The first quarter is over. 

THANK GOD. 

Today began the second quarter of PJ's deployment, the next 100 days. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the first 10 days, let alone the first 100. I am proud to report that while I may have lost my mind on several occasions, and fell apart many times in between, I made it. 

I have been in a pretty selfish frame of mind lately, and I'm sorry to have to admit it. I wish that I had not burdened everyone else with my emotions, but to those who endured it, thank you. You are not forgotten. To the people who I talk to every day about everything, thank you. To the people who have recognized the hard work of our soldiers and families, and said prayers for them, THANK YOU. 

I'll keep this short, but all I want to say is this. I miss PJ so much, that it's driving other people crazy. I'm not afraid to say, that it makes me feel good. I talk about him without realizing it, and for that I am glad. I don't ever want to miss out on the opportunity to tell people about my husband and his fellow soldiers. They are some really great people, in the military and in civilian life. I'm so proud to know them. I miss them all. 

And for those of you tired of listening to me gab about PJ, get some ear plugs. That is all.

God bless our soldiers, and their families. We will NOT be disappointed if the deployment does not make it to 400 days.... Amen!

Day 79 - Be Your Hero, Walk in His Shoes

My apologies for not posting this month, this has been a very long, trying month for me.


Today is Halloween. The wonderful opportunity for everyone to dress up as something scary, or their favorite comic book hero, or as someone they admire. Today I have seen witches, ninjas, Captain America, fairies, and Jessie from Toy Story. You have to admit, and I don't care how old you are, but we all miss dressing up and trick-or-treating. I miss going to my grandparents' house and getting homemade popcorn balls, and the flavored tootsie rolls. I miss church Halloween activities, and going to school to be in the parade held every year on the playground. I miss it all. 


Today I decided to dress up as my hero. I dug out some ACU pants, boots, the tan t-shirt, the old yucky socks, and the webbed belt. I always knew that PJ was tall and skinny, but I never knew exactly how tall and how skinny. Fitting into these pants was hell, but fun. Fitting in the boots however, I could have worn at least 3 more pairs of socks, and still had room! And in case you didn't know, the military (at least the Army) has a very distinct smell. Not a bad smell, but a unique smell. For those of you wives in the military that do the laundry, you know exactly what smell I am referring to. So today, I have been bathed in a smell that I have missed for what seems like an eternity. I can't describe what that brings me back to.


After spending a very average day, walking around in some pretty big shoes, I have learned several things. The first, you can't wait until the last possible minute to go potty. There are no zippers in these pants. Buttons and velcro only. Do not be fooled by its practicality. Only the bravest of the bravest wear these trousers. 


Truthfully, after wearing just half of a uniform today, I can do nothing but have respect for what burden the American soldier must carry in order to protect this country. Each and every piece of this uniform plays an important part in how a soldier does his or her job. Each pocket to hold any number of things, whether it is just a patrol cap, or a handkerchief to wipe their brow with in the desert heat. Each pair of boots, to project the feet of someone who has trained themselves to walk for an eternity, no matter what the terrain. Heavy boots that any normal person wouldn't have the leg strength to carry around. No stopping to deal with blisters, or a slipped sock. Just marching along, doing a job that they promised to do. I have treated my feet badly over the last few years, not on purpose. However, I'm fairly certain that given the opportunity, my feet would disown me. Especially after today. I managed to make myself wear those boots all day, and I can't imagine what 8 hours of pain to me, translates into 24 hours of wear and tear on the feet of a soldier.


This might be one of my more rambling posts, but I just miss my PJ. I dressed up to be close to him. I had so much fun doing it. But spending the day in his uniform, and trying to walk around in his boots, has made me feel so close to him that it's like I can touch him. It's a feeling that I know everyone has about the person they love, but we all recognize it in different ways. 


Time to go scrub this paint off of my face. And miss my PJ. And cuddle my doggies. And miss my PJ. Oh, and miss my PJ.


Hope everyone had a wonderful time taking their kiddies trick-or-treating! Good night!!

Day 49 - Missing My Medic

So.... I have got to give these feet a break.


Let's go back a ways. Six years ago, to be more specific. PJ and I were married six months and we decided to have the first crisis of our marriage. Well it wasn't a decision, not a shared one at least. Not even a personal decision. Just something dumb on my part. I seem to have a knack for dumb. This particular dumb was a great big step on a great big piece of glass. I cut through most of my big toe, and nearly cut my other toe off! I remember very well going to the hospital, and the blood, and the stitches, and PJ. Oh I remember PJ the best. He was the fastest, clean the blood up off the floor, and get us down the stairs the quickest, little PJ that there ever was.


PJ didn't used to be the type of person who was okay with going to the doctor. Matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he'd rather croak than go to the doctor. What surprised me the most, was how involved PJ was while we were there. I remember PJ holding my hand, and holding my foot down for the P.A., and laughing at me while I was in la-la land. He stayed that night with me at my  parent's house, and waited on me hand and foot. After being held hostage at home for five days,  I thought it would be nice to get out. When we got up the next morning, PJ announced to me that he was going to join the Army. So my first day out of captivity, we made that big decision. When PJ came home from MEPS and told me that he was going to be a Combat Medic, I can't explain how excited I was. To have my own personal medic.... Every girl's dream. 


Fast forward to now. Well two days ago, now. On a routine Thursday morning, fifteen minutes before I was going to leave, on an absolutely normal morning, I cut my foot open. On a doggy deshedder. You know, one of those rakes that you use to pull the loose hair off your dog. Katie knocked it off the shelf, and it fell onto the stairs. Then I stepped on it. LIKE AN IDIOT. Now I have an inch long, into the fat, just above the ball of the foot where the arch starts, slightly curved cut. After shaking my head in shame, I got a towel and covered it up. Right at that moment, I realized how much I missed my PJ. I wished that he wasn't on the other side of the world, but at home springing into action to take care of me. I know he would have been all too happy to take care of my cut. I know that PJ is a skilled medic, and it would be wonderful to see him at work. Unfortunately this time, I had to let the doctor stitch me up. And boy did she have a good laugh at my expense. A good, shake your head, hand on the hip, kind of laugh. Fortunately, after four excruciating shots of Lidocaine, four stitches, and five steri-strips, I went to work.


All that aside, nothing makes me miss PJ more than when I don't feel good. I miss PJ all the time, and he's always on my mind. When I'm in the car, when I watch TV, when I cuddle the doggies, when I sleep. He's always there. I can smell him, and I can hear him talking and laughing while he plays Call of Duty. I can hear him meowing and giggling. 


I think I'll stop now. The dogs need their mommy, and this girl needs to soak in a nice hot bath, foot included. So without further delay, this accident prone dumb Andy is signing off!


Andy


PS - A bit of my conversation with PJ about this whole dumb thing... Me: You're missing out on an opportunity to possibly do stitches on my foot. Love you!... PJ: Damn, well we can amputate it when I get home.... Love my medic!! 

Day 29 - A Day of Remembrance

I've sat and thought all day about things. Yes, today is the 10th anniversary of the attacks on 9/11. Yes, I'm sad and sentimental about it. But I can't let it get me. 

This is the second time I have given my husband away to fight in this war. I have watched him get on an airplane twice, and know that he won't be back for an eternity. I have spent many sleepless nights just wondering.... 10 years ago, how many people that learned of the tragedy of 9/11, knew that they were going to the war? Or that someone they loved would be going to the war? I know why God doesn't want us to know our own fate. You think we're in a mess now? What kind of a mess could we really get ourselves into, if it was a predictable one?

I think back to the day, when I was sitting in math class. Next to PJ, who really wasn't even PJ then, but he was Phillip. It's so funny how fate, or whatever you want to call it, works out. I think about it even now. If I knew what was to come in the years following the attack on the World Trade Center, would I have spared myself the heartache? I damn sure would have tried. But what would I have gotten myself? Nothing. 

I believe that God has a plan for everyone. I believe that God made me who I am. The type of person who cares, and stands by someone that they love. I have supported PJ since the day we walked into the recruiter's office. How could I have said no to someone who wanted to put themselves out there for their country? How do you say that you're not behind someone, who you love and adore? I didn't think twice. I will admit, I was a little selfish with the decision between active and reserve, but I think PJ made the right decision for us. 

I'll quit rambling now. What I really want to say is this. We are all affected by the tragedy of 9/11. It doesn't matter if we aren't family to someone lost that day, or family to a soldier who was lost during the war. What matters is that we remain one family, united by our patriotism, and our love for our families, friends, soldiers, and strangers. We are blessed to be able to tell the story of the heroes, past and present, who gave their lives in a fight to the finish. 


Dear Lord,


Please bless everyone affected by the tragedy of 9/11. Please continue to whisper words of inspiration into the hearts of the people of our great nation. Bless the children who are learning of what has happened, now that they are of age to begin to understand. Bless the souls of those that have perished as a result, and may they watch over us as we continue on in our lives. And please oh please, bless the families and soldiers of the 469th, and every other troop stationed far away from home because of the war. We would not live in a free nation, if it weren't for them.

Amen

Day 17 - Mixed Emotions

I started writing this post yesterday, but I was not really in a place where I could truthfully say that I knew for sure what my feelings were. I don't mean for this to sound like I'm about to break bad news to everyone, I just was having one of those days, and I didn't want to subject everyone to it.

It's been a couple of weeks now since PJ has left, and things are starting to settle. I've succeeded in keeping myself so busy and entertained that I have managed to not let it get to me. I've cut patterns, bought a little fabric (to add to the mountain of fabric I already have), I've watched some TV, celebrated Lael's birthday, and I've been to Zumba. I even fooled my mom and surprised her by taking her out to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes. (Good movie by the way.) 

As for my emotions getting me, I seem to have lost control. I go to work everyday, and I do my job. While I do my job, I get to spend the day visiting with all the people I have gotten to know very well over the last 4 years. We talk about movies, cars, kids, you name it. Here lately I find it harder and harder to talk about family. Sometimes hearing what everyone else is doing with their spouse after work or on the weekend, is a little tough to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what everyone else is doing. I have just come to the realization that PJ isn't going to just be gone for a couple of weeks. There just isn't going to be any going out between me and him until sometime next year. It's hard to stomach the thought that I can come home every night and he's not here. No pizza box in the trash, no TV left on, no uniform jacket on the back of a chair. I've been trying to clean house, but I find it difficult to put his things away, because it feels like I'm dismissing him from my life. I hate how it makes me feel.

I miss PJ like crazy. (As if you didn't already know....) I know he's doing his thing up at Fort Lewis, but I wish that I could be there with him during his last few days here in the states. I know that would be torturing myself, but everyone is entitled to one dumb idea every day. I don't get to talk to PJ as much as I would like, but I try not to overwhelm him with my feelings and emotions on the occasions that I do get to talk to him. I've been thinking positive thoughts about this deployment, and I can't wait for it to be over. But in the mean time, PJ knows that I am here for him, and that whatever he or anyone else needs, I will be there. I love my soldier, and every other one of those little stinkers in that unit. 

Just some feelings.....

Day 9 - The Bush Brown Eyes: Sissy, Kitty Cat, and Chubby Bunny

I decided to take a couple of days off from the excitement of deployment to have a little time to myself. Well, not as much time as I would have liked, but you get it. As much as I would have liked to take a break from this life, I have learned that you can't be a mom only part of the time. So I thought this post would be a great time to share what my babies have experienced with daddy being gone.


For those of you that don't already know, (and there's not many of you that don't). Sissy, Kitty Cat and Chubby Bunny really translates out to be: Sadie, Katie and Jordan. They are 3 of the 4 spoiled little children in this household. (Guess who the other is?) While they all walk on 4 legs instead of 2, and wag their tails in place of laughing, I love them as much as anyone could love their own kids.


Sadie


Sadie was my first baby. I adopted her a couple of weeks before PJ was coming home from his 1st deployment in Iraq. After reading an article in the paper about how black dogs are discriminated against during adoption, I called the Humane Society to get more information. Surely enough when people see a black dog, they can't do anything but imagine that dog turning into a BIG black dog. I marched myself down there and adopted me the beautiful mess that is Sadie. Lab mixed with something, with the most adorable, innocent brown eyes.


The first time Sadie saw PJ, he was in a uniform. She had no idea who this stranger was coming into our life, since it had only been her and I. But she didn't care. She loved her daddy, and was immediately attached to him. Now, every time she sees the ACUs in the dryer, she has a fit. She has learned that when there are that many uniforms in the laundry, that PJ was going to be gone for an extended period of time. She can be very withdrawn when PJ is gone. And I think with her watching our behavior over the last couple of weeks, on top of the fact that PJ was gone all the time this year, she knows that time has come. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. She expects me to feed her, and that's about it. She has decided to go about her business and do her own thing for a while. It makes me sad, but she knows that I am here for her.


Katie


If there ever was a dog that acted out ALL THE TIME. It is Kate. When we adopted this dingo, it was very clear that she had been an abused dog. She had a horrible (relatively new) scar that was up the side of her nose. She had a horrible infection in her mouth (which Sadie took care of by knocking out one of her teeth), and she was so scared of everything. She is a good looking kid. Blue heeler with a tramp stamp. More beautiful brown eyes.


Katie's take on this deployment... As far as she is concerned, daddy is the center of her universe. Who gives a crapola about mom? She spends her days waiting for PJ to get home, only to be greatly disappointed to see me. She runs around the house looking for PJ in his usual spots, pulling back blankets to see if he's under them, even checking in his closet. When we go outside, she even stands up to the window of the car to see if he is in there. It's so very hard to get her to understand that daddy will be gone for a long time. She just thinks he's at work. How do you tell your 3 year old something like that? LOL. I know I can't compare dogs to kids, but you can't blame a girl for trying!


Jordan


The BLOB. The dark spot on the carpet. Jordan is my medicare aged dog, who sleeps like an old man, but has the personality of a teenager. And those brown eyes! I inherited Jordan from one of my bosses. I never thought that present I was given, would be one of the biggest gifts I have ever treasured. I don't think that there is one of you that knows me, that hasn't read or heard about the shenanigans that Jordan causes. (Like his affirmative action speech, or the cheetos incident). If you don't know of them, then you're really behind the times folks!


Jordan might be my dog, but he's PJ's boy. Once upon a time Jordan used to wait for me by the front door every day until I got home. But now it's quite opposite. When I would come home, I would find the two of them just hanging out in the basement. Sharing a pizza. Or Popeye's. Or whatever other nonsense PJ would be eating that day. Not a care in the world. Now when I come home, I find Jordan perched atop a pile of PJ's laundry, or military stuff that he has hoarded for himself.


Jordan is taking this deployment the hardest. When we got up on Tuesday morning. I did the usual roll-over-to-the-side-of-the-bed maneuver to see if stinky butt was awake yet. He was already awake, but had been nice enough not to get me up. When we got up and moving, he went to PJ's side of the bed and tried to stand up to see if PJ was there. I tried to tell him that daddy wasn't there, and so he went downstairs and looked around the rest of the house. When he discovered that PJ wasn't in their usual spot in the basement, I'm sure that he knew. He's been spending his evenings laying next to the couch on his pillow, missing PJ terribly. My biggest fear of all is that Jordan's broken heart will get the best of him. I don't know how PJ or I will be able to handle that. But I pray about it a lot.


Not a whole lot more to say at the moment. Been spending time this evening thinking about PJ. I can't ever communicate enough to him, or to anyone I know for that matter, how proud I am of him. I know that I say it to EVERYONE, and I'm sure you all are tired of hearing it. I am so proud of what he has become, that my heart just aches not being able to be near him. For those of you that might read this who are deployed, I envy your proximity to the Bush awesomeness. For those of you who are reading this here at home, I appreciate all your love and support for our little Bush family. The doggies and I thank you from the bottom of our furry little hearts.

Deployment Days 1-4

I'm going to try to not draw this out for too long.... But you know me. :)


Boy meets girl. Boy enlists in Army Reserve. Boy goes to war. Boy comes home. Boy goes to war again. That's how the story goes.... This time.


This week has been one of the longest, saddest, happiest, most productive weeks of my life. And it's only Wednesday! 


Day 1:


Our out of town soldiers arrived in town on Sunday, and there was an evening formation at the hotel everyone was staying at. It was so good to see people I had not seen in a long time. I've grown a little attached to several soldiers in our unit, and it made me feel so sad to think that I wouldn't be seeing them either for a long time after this. We stayed as long as we could and mingled with everyone. I did not want to go home. If we went home, then that meant that it was closer to PJ leaving on Monday morning.


We went to bed that night and we layed there for an eternity. I couldn't hold back my tears at all. PJ held me and reassured me that he would be home before I knew it. He reminded me that even though he would be far far away, he would be right here with me. I layed in bed that night, and just wondered what was coming in the morning. I held PJ's hand as long as I could. I couldn't bear the thought of spending the next night not touching PJ's hand or his face while he slept.


Day 2:


After a meeting at the unit, we drove that long hard drive to the airport. Unfortunately, the airport was so busy, PJ did not get to spend much time with our families before we had to go to the gate. I did not take it well. I must have cried every last drop of moisture in my body by the time I had left the airport. Kissing PJ goodbye and letting go of his hand, was so traumatic for me. After I left, I went to work at the unit for the day, getting all of the soldiers' family contact information, so that our Family Readiness Group can reach out to them. Then came the 469th BBQ.....


For those of you in attendance, I don't need to remind you how much fun we had at Bill and Mary's. Matter of fact, I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I got to know so many people, that I hadn't yet had the pleasure of meeting, but whose names I were already familiar with. I like to think that I'm a great people person, easy to get to know. I got to know so many soldiers and their families that night. I was given the great pleasure of finding out how many soldiers look up to PJ, and being promised that Bush would be returned to me safe and sound. After enjoying the company of the 469th, and the extra humor and hilarity of the soldiers who stayed late, I went home and celebrated a successful night, by eating some leftover BBQ from the dinner. 


On a side note: The divine BBQ that we all ate was cooked up by Cpl. Faelber's husband Smokey. The HUGE heart that Smokey has, and busting his butt to cook for us will not go unnoticed. On top of the amazing meal, the best part of the night was when he sang God Bless the USA to the soldiers. I don't think that any one of us knew how choked up we could be hearing that song. 


Day 3: 

After getting some much needed attempts at sleeping, I got up and started moving around. For those of you that recall my Facebook post, "There's the hangover, and then there's the morning after the 469th...." I wasn't kidding. I wasn't hungover by any means, (I'm not even certain my drink was actually an alcoholic beverage.) But waking up after fun like that, totally worth feeling wasted. Anyway, I put on a dress which I bought on a whim several months ago. I put on that dress because I love my country. I wasn't gonna have anyone telling PJ that I wasn't looking my best for our deployment ceremony. I went to the unit, and I proudly wore that dress for the ceremony, and I passed out yellow ribbons to family members. After hearing Captain Carter's words of wisdom, and the prayer and benediction of the Chaplain, I felt so sad that PJ wasn't here to share it with his unit. 

After that, I went to lunch with Phaminator, Faelber, Smokey, and Momma Faelber at Bagatelle. That place is the stuff! I can't believe I have never eaten there before. By the way, Smokey's mom is one of the coolest ladies I have ever met. 

Day 4: D-Day


Well today was the day. Today we blessed America with a present called the 469th Medical Company. We wrapped up over 70 individual little gifts of awesomeness, and gave them to Uncle Sam. Before the crack of dawn, we sent a group of the greatest soldiers away to fight for this country. I had kept my guard up until this morning. I was not willing to accept in my heart that PJ had left, until we deployed the rest of the unit. It was not real until this exact moment. I hung out with all the people I had the pleasure of getting to know this week, and I felt my heart being ripped out for each one of them. Nothing felt better than being the last hug that some of them got. Nothing brings tears quicker than embracing the people who will be PJ's family for the next 400 days. 


I watched Kristen and Nick embrace each other. I don't know how I would handle being a soldier married to another soldier. How unfair it would be not to be able to be with my spouse fighting for this country. After their last hug and kiss, Nick reminded Kristen and I to take care of each other while they were gone. I held Kristen's hand until they left. Kristen is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out. I promise that I will take care of her, because her friendship is one of my most proudest assets. I also promise to take care of Mandie, who has also been a bright light in my life. As my partner in crime from our first deployment days, I owe it to her to have her back, and love and support her as much now, as I did then. I feel so blessed to have both these ladies in my life!


I will end this incredibly long post with a deployment prayer.


Dear Lord:
Give me the strength to say goodbye. Hold back the tear in my eye.
Cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone. Give me a reason to awake when I’ve none.
Dear Lord:
Please help me pace myself. Allow me to turn to you for help,
And please let me be strong for him, Even if I’ve reached the brim.
Dear Lord:
Please make time go fast. I don’t know how long I can last.
This is the hardest time of my life, But this is my job: the soldier’s wife.
Dear Lord:
Let them all stay strong. Give them the will to go on,
And Lord, Please bring back all our men. In the name of our country. Amen.

Pre-Deplyoment

I chose to wait until today to publish my first post about PJ's departure. I've been so busy since Saturday, that I haven't really had time to myself until today. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that have been going through me, and the tears coming out of me. 


6 years ago, when we were at the Army recruiter's office, I was wondering what the future would be like. I never thought that 6 years from then, I would be preparing for a second deployment, and saying goodbye to PJ a second time. I never quite understood how I made it through the first one, how am I supposed to make it through this one? 


The only thing I can figure is this. When the first time came around, I was totally taken by surprise. I had no idea what I was doing. PJ was still relatively new to his unit, and I didn't know anyone. I let myself get to a dark place. I became a hermit, and I gained a bunch of weight because I was depressed, and all I did was eat. That's how I dealt with it, and I was okay with that. I missed PJ terribly, and that was about it. I didn't care about anything else, and I just let myself go.


I've spent so much time worrying about PJ leaving this time, that I didn't look into the blessings hidden in it. This was an opportunity for me to explore who I am, in a positive way. PJ was kind enough to suggest things for me to do while he was away, and he was really great about telling me what he really thought about my ideas as well. Blogging, sewing, Zumba, and lots of reading. 


The more I think about this deployment, I think about how great PJ is at his job. There are very few things he is passionate about, and the military is one of them. I know PJ comes home and likes to remind me how awesome he is, but when I see the fruits of his labors, I can't be anything but proud. I'm proud to be the wife of a soldier, and I'm proud to be an American! 400 days can't get over soon enough!

My Blog

I've been interested in blogging for some time now, and I was waiting for the right time to do so. I thought about it for quite a long time, and so I thought what would be better than starting my blog when PJ left for deployment? I think this is a great opportunity for myself, and I don't know if anyone is gonna read it, but I believe that I will accomplish great things. I don't know what all I will be writing about, but it's gonna be worth it. I'm gonna be happy, I'll be sad, and I will share as much as I can! Thanks to everyone who helped me with their great suggestions, and blessings for my adventure into the world of the blog!