Day 17 - Mixed Emotions

I started writing this post yesterday, but I was not really in a place where I could truthfully say that I knew for sure what my feelings were. I don't mean for this to sound like I'm about to break bad news to everyone, I just was having one of those days, and I didn't want to subject everyone to it.

It's been a couple of weeks now since PJ has left, and things are starting to settle. I've succeeded in keeping myself so busy and entertained that I have managed to not let it get to me. I've cut patterns, bought a little fabric (to add to the mountain of fabric I already have), I've watched some TV, celebrated Lael's birthday, and I've been to Zumba. I even fooled my mom and surprised her by taking her out to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes. (Good movie by the way.) 

As for my emotions getting me, I seem to have lost control. I go to work everyday, and I do my job. While I do my job, I get to spend the day visiting with all the people I have gotten to know very well over the last 4 years. We talk about movies, cars, kids, you name it. Here lately I find it harder and harder to talk about family. Sometimes hearing what everyone else is doing with their spouse after work or on the weekend, is a little tough to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what everyone else is doing. I have just come to the realization that PJ isn't going to just be gone for a couple of weeks. There just isn't going to be any going out between me and him until sometime next year. It's hard to stomach the thought that I can come home every night and he's not here. No pizza box in the trash, no TV left on, no uniform jacket on the back of a chair. I've been trying to clean house, but I find it difficult to put his things away, because it feels like I'm dismissing him from my life. I hate how it makes me feel.

I miss PJ like crazy. (As if you didn't already know....) I know he's doing his thing up at Fort Lewis, but I wish that I could be there with him during his last few days here in the states. I know that would be torturing myself, but everyone is entitled to one dumb idea every day. I don't get to talk to PJ as much as I would like, but I try not to overwhelm him with my feelings and emotions on the occasions that I do get to talk to him. I've been thinking positive thoughts about this deployment, and I can't wait for it to be over. But in the mean time, PJ knows that I am here for him, and that whatever he or anyone else needs, I will be there. I love my soldier, and every other one of those little stinkers in that unit. 

Just some feelings.....

Day 9 - The Bush Brown Eyes: Sissy, Kitty Cat, and Chubby Bunny

I decided to take a couple of days off from the excitement of deployment to have a little time to myself. Well, not as much time as I would have liked, but you get it. As much as I would have liked to take a break from this life, I have learned that you can't be a mom only part of the time. So I thought this post would be a great time to share what my babies have experienced with daddy being gone.


For those of you that don't already know, (and there's not many of you that don't). Sissy, Kitty Cat and Chubby Bunny really translates out to be: Sadie, Katie and Jordan. They are 3 of the 4 spoiled little children in this household. (Guess who the other is?) While they all walk on 4 legs instead of 2, and wag their tails in place of laughing, I love them as much as anyone could love their own kids.


Sadie


Sadie was my first baby. I adopted her a couple of weeks before PJ was coming home from his 1st deployment in Iraq. After reading an article in the paper about how black dogs are discriminated against during adoption, I called the Humane Society to get more information. Surely enough when people see a black dog, they can't do anything but imagine that dog turning into a BIG black dog. I marched myself down there and adopted me the beautiful mess that is Sadie. Lab mixed with something, with the most adorable, innocent brown eyes.


The first time Sadie saw PJ, he was in a uniform. She had no idea who this stranger was coming into our life, since it had only been her and I. But she didn't care. She loved her daddy, and was immediately attached to him. Now, every time she sees the ACUs in the dryer, she has a fit. She has learned that when there are that many uniforms in the laundry, that PJ was going to be gone for an extended period of time. She can be very withdrawn when PJ is gone. And I think with her watching our behavior over the last couple of weeks, on top of the fact that PJ was gone all the time this year, she knows that time has come. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me. She expects me to feed her, and that's about it. She has decided to go about her business and do her own thing for a while. It makes me sad, but she knows that I am here for her.


Katie


If there ever was a dog that acted out ALL THE TIME. It is Kate. When we adopted this dingo, it was very clear that she had been an abused dog. She had a horrible (relatively new) scar that was up the side of her nose. She had a horrible infection in her mouth (which Sadie took care of by knocking out one of her teeth), and she was so scared of everything. She is a good looking kid. Blue heeler with a tramp stamp. More beautiful brown eyes.


Katie's take on this deployment... As far as she is concerned, daddy is the center of her universe. Who gives a crapola about mom? She spends her days waiting for PJ to get home, only to be greatly disappointed to see me. She runs around the house looking for PJ in his usual spots, pulling back blankets to see if he's under them, even checking in his closet. When we go outside, she even stands up to the window of the car to see if he is in there. It's so very hard to get her to understand that daddy will be gone for a long time. She just thinks he's at work. How do you tell your 3 year old something like that? LOL. I know I can't compare dogs to kids, but you can't blame a girl for trying!


Jordan


The BLOB. The dark spot on the carpet. Jordan is my medicare aged dog, who sleeps like an old man, but has the personality of a teenager. And those brown eyes! I inherited Jordan from one of my bosses. I never thought that present I was given, would be one of the biggest gifts I have ever treasured. I don't think that there is one of you that knows me, that hasn't read or heard about the shenanigans that Jordan causes. (Like his affirmative action speech, or the cheetos incident). If you don't know of them, then you're really behind the times folks!


Jordan might be my dog, but he's PJ's boy. Once upon a time Jordan used to wait for me by the front door every day until I got home. But now it's quite opposite. When I would come home, I would find the two of them just hanging out in the basement. Sharing a pizza. Or Popeye's. Or whatever other nonsense PJ would be eating that day. Not a care in the world. Now when I come home, I find Jordan perched atop a pile of PJ's laundry, or military stuff that he has hoarded for himself.


Jordan is taking this deployment the hardest. When we got up on Tuesday morning. I did the usual roll-over-to-the-side-of-the-bed maneuver to see if stinky butt was awake yet. He was already awake, but had been nice enough not to get me up. When we got up and moving, he went to PJ's side of the bed and tried to stand up to see if PJ was there. I tried to tell him that daddy wasn't there, and so he went downstairs and looked around the rest of the house. When he discovered that PJ wasn't in their usual spot in the basement, I'm sure that he knew. He's been spending his evenings laying next to the couch on his pillow, missing PJ terribly. My biggest fear of all is that Jordan's broken heart will get the best of him. I don't know how PJ or I will be able to handle that. But I pray about it a lot.


Not a whole lot more to say at the moment. Been spending time this evening thinking about PJ. I can't ever communicate enough to him, or to anyone I know for that matter, how proud I am of him. I know that I say it to EVERYONE, and I'm sure you all are tired of hearing it. I am so proud of what he has become, that my heart just aches not being able to be near him. For those of you that might read this who are deployed, I envy your proximity to the Bush awesomeness. For those of you who are reading this here at home, I appreciate all your love and support for our little Bush family. The doggies and I thank you from the bottom of our furry little hearts.

Deployment Days 1-4

I'm going to try to not draw this out for too long.... But you know me. :)


Boy meets girl. Boy enlists in Army Reserve. Boy goes to war. Boy comes home. Boy goes to war again. That's how the story goes.... This time.


This week has been one of the longest, saddest, happiest, most productive weeks of my life. And it's only Wednesday! 


Day 1:


Our out of town soldiers arrived in town on Sunday, and there was an evening formation at the hotel everyone was staying at. It was so good to see people I had not seen in a long time. I've grown a little attached to several soldiers in our unit, and it made me feel so sad to think that I wouldn't be seeing them either for a long time after this. We stayed as long as we could and mingled with everyone. I did not want to go home. If we went home, then that meant that it was closer to PJ leaving on Monday morning.


We went to bed that night and we layed there for an eternity. I couldn't hold back my tears at all. PJ held me and reassured me that he would be home before I knew it. He reminded me that even though he would be far far away, he would be right here with me. I layed in bed that night, and just wondered what was coming in the morning. I held PJ's hand as long as I could. I couldn't bear the thought of spending the next night not touching PJ's hand or his face while he slept.


Day 2:


After a meeting at the unit, we drove that long hard drive to the airport. Unfortunately, the airport was so busy, PJ did not get to spend much time with our families before we had to go to the gate. I did not take it well. I must have cried every last drop of moisture in my body by the time I had left the airport. Kissing PJ goodbye and letting go of his hand, was so traumatic for me. After I left, I went to work at the unit for the day, getting all of the soldiers' family contact information, so that our Family Readiness Group can reach out to them. Then came the 469th BBQ.....


For those of you in attendance, I don't need to remind you how much fun we had at Bill and Mary's. Matter of fact, I haven't had that much fun in a long time. I got to know so many people, that I hadn't yet had the pleasure of meeting, but whose names I were already familiar with. I like to think that I'm a great people person, easy to get to know. I got to know so many soldiers and their families that night. I was given the great pleasure of finding out how many soldiers look up to PJ, and being promised that Bush would be returned to me safe and sound. After enjoying the company of the 469th, and the extra humor and hilarity of the soldiers who stayed late, I went home and celebrated a successful night, by eating some leftover BBQ from the dinner. 


On a side note: The divine BBQ that we all ate was cooked up by Cpl. Faelber's husband Smokey. The HUGE heart that Smokey has, and busting his butt to cook for us will not go unnoticed. On top of the amazing meal, the best part of the night was when he sang God Bless the USA to the soldiers. I don't think that any one of us knew how choked up we could be hearing that song. 


Day 3: 

After getting some much needed attempts at sleeping, I got up and started moving around. For those of you that recall my Facebook post, "There's the hangover, and then there's the morning after the 469th...." I wasn't kidding. I wasn't hungover by any means, (I'm not even certain my drink was actually an alcoholic beverage.) But waking up after fun like that, totally worth feeling wasted. Anyway, I put on a dress which I bought on a whim several months ago. I put on that dress because I love my country. I wasn't gonna have anyone telling PJ that I wasn't looking my best for our deployment ceremony. I went to the unit, and I proudly wore that dress for the ceremony, and I passed out yellow ribbons to family members. After hearing Captain Carter's words of wisdom, and the prayer and benediction of the Chaplain, I felt so sad that PJ wasn't here to share it with his unit. 

After that, I went to lunch with Phaminator, Faelber, Smokey, and Momma Faelber at Bagatelle. That place is the stuff! I can't believe I have never eaten there before. By the way, Smokey's mom is one of the coolest ladies I have ever met. 

Day 4: D-Day


Well today was the day. Today we blessed America with a present called the 469th Medical Company. We wrapped up over 70 individual little gifts of awesomeness, and gave them to Uncle Sam. Before the crack of dawn, we sent a group of the greatest soldiers away to fight for this country. I had kept my guard up until this morning. I was not willing to accept in my heart that PJ had left, until we deployed the rest of the unit. It was not real until this exact moment. I hung out with all the people I had the pleasure of getting to know this week, and I felt my heart being ripped out for each one of them. Nothing felt better than being the last hug that some of them got. Nothing brings tears quicker than embracing the people who will be PJ's family for the next 400 days. 


I watched Kristen and Nick embrace each other. I don't know how I would handle being a soldier married to another soldier. How unfair it would be not to be able to be with my spouse fighting for this country. After their last hug and kiss, Nick reminded Kristen and I to take care of each other while they were gone. I held Kristen's hand until they left. Kristen is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out. I promise that I will take care of her, because her friendship is one of my most proudest assets. I also promise to take care of Mandie, who has also been a bright light in my life. As my partner in crime from our first deployment days, I owe it to her to have her back, and love and support her as much now, as I did then. I feel so blessed to have both these ladies in my life!


I will end this incredibly long post with a deployment prayer.


Dear Lord:
Give me the strength to say goodbye. Hold back the tear in my eye.
Cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone. Give me a reason to awake when I’ve none.
Dear Lord:
Please help me pace myself. Allow me to turn to you for help,
And please let me be strong for him, Even if I’ve reached the brim.
Dear Lord:
Please make time go fast. I don’t know how long I can last.
This is the hardest time of my life, But this is my job: the soldier’s wife.
Dear Lord:
Let them all stay strong. Give them the will to go on,
And Lord, Please bring back all our men. In the name of our country. Amen.

Pre-Deplyoment

I chose to wait until today to publish my first post about PJ's departure. I've been so busy since Saturday, that I haven't really had time to myself until today. I can't even begin to describe the emotions that have been going through me, and the tears coming out of me. 


6 years ago, when we were at the Army recruiter's office, I was wondering what the future would be like. I never thought that 6 years from then, I would be preparing for a second deployment, and saying goodbye to PJ a second time. I never quite understood how I made it through the first one, how am I supposed to make it through this one? 


The only thing I can figure is this. When the first time came around, I was totally taken by surprise. I had no idea what I was doing. PJ was still relatively new to his unit, and I didn't know anyone. I let myself get to a dark place. I became a hermit, and I gained a bunch of weight because I was depressed, and all I did was eat. That's how I dealt with it, and I was okay with that. I missed PJ terribly, and that was about it. I didn't care about anything else, and I just let myself go.


I've spent so much time worrying about PJ leaving this time, that I didn't look into the blessings hidden in it. This was an opportunity for me to explore who I am, in a positive way. PJ was kind enough to suggest things for me to do while he was away, and he was really great about telling me what he really thought about my ideas as well. Blogging, sewing, Zumba, and lots of reading. 


The more I think about this deployment, I think about how great PJ is at his job. There are very few things he is passionate about, and the military is one of them. I know PJ comes home and likes to remind me how awesome he is, but when I see the fruits of his labors, I can't be anything but proud. I'm proud to be the wife of a soldier, and I'm proud to be an American! 400 days can't get over soon enough!

My Blog

I've been interested in blogging for some time now, and I was waiting for the right time to do so. I thought about it for quite a long time, and so I thought what would be better than starting my blog when PJ left for deployment? I think this is a great opportunity for myself, and I don't know if anyone is gonna read it, but I believe that I will accomplish great things. I don't know what all I will be writing about, but it's gonna be worth it. I'm gonna be happy, I'll be sad, and I will share as much as I can! Thanks to everyone who helped me with their great suggestions, and blessings for my adventure into the world of the blog!