Day 17 - Mixed Emotions

I started writing this post yesterday, but I was not really in a place where I could truthfully say that I knew for sure what my feelings were. I don't mean for this to sound like I'm about to break bad news to everyone, I just was having one of those days, and I didn't want to subject everyone to it.

It's been a couple of weeks now since PJ has left, and things are starting to settle. I've succeeded in keeping myself so busy and entertained that I have managed to not let it get to me. I've cut patterns, bought a little fabric (to add to the mountain of fabric I already have), I've watched some TV, celebrated Lael's birthday, and I've been to Zumba. I even fooled my mom and surprised her by taking her out to see Rise of the Planet of the Apes. (Good movie by the way.) 

As for my emotions getting me, I seem to have lost control. I go to work everyday, and I do my job. While I do my job, I get to spend the day visiting with all the people I have gotten to know very well over the last 4 years. We talk about movies, cars, kids, you name it. Here lately I find it harder and harder to talk about family. Sometimes hearing what everyone else is doing with their spouse after work or on the weekend, is a little tough to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about what everyone else is doing. I have just come to the realization that PJ isn't going to just be gone for a couple of weeks. There just isn't going to be any going out between me and him until sometime next year. It's hard to stomach the thought that I can come home every night and he's not here. No pizza box in the trash, no TV left on, no uniform jacket on the back of a chair. I've been trying to clean house, but I find it difficult to put his things away, because it feels like I'm dismissing him from my life. I hate how it makes me feel.

I miss PJ like crazy. (As if you didn't already know....) I know he's doing his thing up at Fort Lewis, but I wish that I could be there with him during his last few days here in the states. I know that would be torturing myself, but everyone is entitled to one dumb idea every day. I don't get to talk to PJ as much as I would like, but I try not to overwhelm him with my feelings and emotions on the occasions that I do get to talk to him. I've been thinking positive thoughts about this deployment, and I can't wait for it to be over. But in the mean time, PJ knows that I am here for him, and that whatever he or anyone else needs, I will be there. I love my soldier, and every other one of those little stinkers in that unit. 

Just some feelings.....